Today, especially, I'm feeling really sad about not going back to work. I feel like a phase of my life has ended and that there is no turning back. This is kind of an odd feeling to me because I complained a lot about my job, how busy I was, never being able to feel like I was ever caught up, kids acting up at times, and waking up at dark thirty just to get to work on time. Aside from all of my complaining I genuinely loved my job. I loved the kids, my friends, the office ladies, my bosses, the random things that would happen when it snowed, the learning...oh, how I love to learn and read and then teach others what I've learned even if I feel like I taught X concept in the worst way possible. I was never afraid to admit that I didn't know everything to my students, in fact I loved that they knew that I was still learning. I loved being and feeling like a professional...I was a professional and I worked dang hard in school to make it happen! :) Yup, I'm proud that I made sacrifices in my life in order to move myself forward. I may not have know Spanish the best, or known the best teaching methods but I feel like I did a decent job at what I did and I would gladly take an opportunity to further my education and go back to teaching if/when it may present itself.
Now that I'm moving on from working full-time outside of my home I'm focusing on my family. I feel so much joy when I think about all of the things I'll get to do with Asher and for Shem now that I'm home. Since becoming a mom I've learned that if something doesn't get done around the house right away it's fine. I don't have to be perfect, but mostly just keep taking care of the things that matter most and Asher pretty much is at the top of that list right next to taking care of myself. I'm hoping that I won't be a bum and waste time in the usual ways (I'll be the first to admit that facebook and blogs distract me a lot during the day) and I do want to keep moving forward. Things are going to be different around my home and I'm hoping that where Shem and I used to split a lot of the work I'll be able to take over. I'm hoping that this school year will be less stressful for him since I'll be taking care of most things around the house.
I'm also going to get my body in shape again. I have time now! And hopefully Asher and I find a jogging stroller soon that we like so that we can get out and run during the week. I have some personal goals to get really good at yoga and in April my friend Julie and I are going to run a 1/2 marathon together! All I have to do is start running now. :) I'm at a point where I feel like my body is ready to be used again and it feels great to be ready to move.
I'm also excited to focus more on making and building some friendships. In the past I've felt like I didn't have any friends at church and I blamed it on being at work all day. Turns out that I had friends at work! I also feel like I have a tendency to not let people into my life for a lot of dumb reasons; my house is too small, we don't have toys, I work all day long, we don't have kids, my house is dirty, I'm still in my pajamas, etc. The only person that I have truly let into my life and who knows me better than anyone has been Shem. He made it so easy for me to open up and to truly be myself (turns out I'm really a goofy girl and I think of really weird things). I know what a blessing a few girlfriends, or even a best friend can be to a married gal, so it's time to let people into my life...my very imperfect life, but I promise I am kind of cool...in a totally geeky and weird-humored kind of way.
Things are changing, I've changed and life is going to be great...different, but great.
Me and my reason for change. 8/28/2011